wishes

Lately I've been wishing this world wasn't what it is.  That we could be free. We have to watch everything we do and there is so much anxiety...all because two girls fell in love in an uber religious area. I truly love my wife, which is why we live in secret, strangely out in the open. There are questions and whispers but because we do not openly say, no one questions us. I'm just the bestest friend ever that helps her out with everything.

But some days I want to shout from the rooftops that I love this woman. That she is not single. That she fell in love with me of all people and we have a happy life together. It makes me really sad sometimes. That I am not allowed to claim my own happiness. When I just want to have free conversation and not have to worry about what I'm saying or not saying and if I said was correct or will cause suspicion.

I want to be able to hold her hand. To look at her in public with love. To kiss her while we are parked in a car. To openly share pictures of us together doing things.

I just want to love with nothing between us. Instead of this giant wall between our world and the rest of the world. And we live in fear every day. That someone might find us out and that will be the end for my wife- she will lose everything here and I just don't think she is ready or prepared for that kind of fall out. She can't help she fell in love with me- and it must be a deep love because she even married me!!

I just don't see the problem with loving someone. We are fairly normal- take kids to school, walk the dogs, go to work during the day, grocery shop etc. etc. We are like every other family on this street. Except for the small fact that two women share a bed. Heavens no! What will this world come to? I mean seriously? The divorce rate being what it is in this country and they have the nerve to question who should get married. If anything, I think we could help that divorce rate! My own father is about to go on his fourth marriage. And he has more of a right to marry than me? We fight harder for our love than most people could ever dream. And that makes our marriage stronger for it.

I love my wife- I wouldn't have it any other way...but sometimes I wish it wasn't such a big deal that we're two women together. Everyone loves us around here but if they knew we were together, suddenly we would become the devil? What's the F'in difference? We take care of each other and love one another, take care of the house and the kids- we're normal people doing normal things. But I'm not allowed to say to the world- hey I love this woman more than anything.

And so right now, I'm sad. And bursting with irritation underneath because I so want to declare my love.

For now, I'll do it between four walls. In the quiet of our home. And that has to be enough. For now. For however long it takes. Because no matter what other people may think, within those four walls are two people very much in love and that's something no one can take from us.

What's the big deal

It's always eventful around here. It's so interesting that here we are married in the middle of this religious suburbia hell and no one has a clue. We live this fairly normal life raising these kids and doing a pretty good job of it and no one has a clue. But everyone around here thinks they have the right to judge everyone else.

What would it hurt anyone that we are married. Two women who happen to fulfill each other in every way, fairly normal and have a normal life- what does it hurt anyone else?

Why is it anyone's business to judge anyone else's life. They would rather my wife live with an abusive man, than have a perfectly happy, normal life with a woman. Does it hurt them that she married a woman? No. Who does it hurt? Seriously? Are we corrupting the youth? No. Ha. Ha. Ha. Besides, lets remember, it's straight families having the gay babies. My hell. What's corrupting the youth more- divorce rates. Watching daddy beating mommy. Or mommy having an alcohol problem because Daddy is so mean. Or watching day after day daddy doing nothing and mommy doing everything. Or maybe watching mommy go out every night and party it up and bring home different men night after night!

Personally I find many gay couples who are monogamous and committed far, far more stable than regular straight couples. Why? Because we have to fight so damn hard as it is, we know what its like to compromise and make it work. I think heterosexual couples are ruining people way more than us same sex couples


It's been hard to hide lately. I wish so badly people knew I had family. Kids I love, a wife that I love more than everything. I wish people knew why I was so happy. And why she is so happy. And that hey look- here we are pretty damn normal. It's super frustrating. But our life would be a thousand times harder if we were out. That is the sad reality. It's actually easier to hide our life and our marriage and be the bestest friends in the whole wide world than it is to tell everybody why we are so fucking happy. That is the craziest thing ever. But that is the reality of the world we live in. Everybody needs to wake up to true love. I have it and I'm sorry if everyone else is so jealous so they would rather shun us than accept us. Because they can't handle that our life, our love, the way we raise our family, is actually healthier and better than so called normal couples.

Eat that, religious suburbia hell.

Sometimes it all just sucks

Because our wonderful country that we live in is so against gays, lesbians etc...our life gets to be shit. Oh wait, that's right, they say it's our choice for our life to be shit. What the fuck ever.

I love my wife with all my heart and soul and then some. We make each other so incredibly happy beyond words could ever describe. She is my meant to be. My one and only. Sorry I'm not a dude. Sorry we happen to fall so deeply in love there was no other choice. Our love was not a choice. It was a meant to be. What the people in this country think be damned.

But since there is only a pretend separation between church and state and everything wants to impose their views on my life, I get fucked.

We live in religious suburbia hell. Where recently a head member of my wife's former church has now moved in. Yippee. Now we have to be super careful because big brother is watching, after rumors have already circulated.

I hate it. I actually hate it all. I hate living a lie. I hate that her children don't even know what I am to her. I hate that I can't kiss her anytime I want. I can't touch her anytime I want. That we have to look over our shoulder every second of every fucking day. Yippee skippee. It's a bunch of bull shit. She is happy. I am happy. We actually raise good kids- in fact I'm moping up the mess that her ass hole ex husband left behind. I am a better father than he ever was. I fix the cars, I make the dinners on the grill, I clean, I take care of the kids when the wife needs time away. I help with homework and class schedules. I fix the computers. I play sports with the kids. I get to fix all the shit that man did wrong. But oh wait, excuse me, I'm another woman playing daddy and the world has a problem with the fact that I make a better father than that man ever could. But this sick and twisty society would rather my wife have stayed with a narcissistic abusive bastard than have someone come in and sweep her off her feet and give her a life she never thought was possible and intervene and give the kids some positive role models so they don't also end up as a sick twisted bastard.

Tell me you bible bumping bastards how that is fair? You want her to stick with an abusive psycho over divorcing him and finding love with me and giving both her and her kids a really good life. And I might add, far far more moral of a life than that bastard of a man ever gave them. Go ahead. I'm ready to see what you might say about that one.

I am in a pissy mood. Hence this nice rant on all of this. I just get so sick of hiding everything because this world can't accept us. And I'm not willing for my wife to lose everything she has ever known and be thrown into exile because we chose love. I will wait.

Because my love is stronger than their hate.

Not the easy life

I'm sitting out back with our puppy. Just spent another day hiding who we are. Having to pay the consequences of a world that doesn't let you love who you love. Some days I want to shout to the world- I am in love and she's a woman! My wife!

But that's just a pipe dream. My wife and I live smack down the middle of a religious suburbia where everyone is in everyone else's business. Rumors have flown in the past that we are together. We manage to squash them but the longer people notice how great of friends we are, the more people think it. We knew tht would happen of course. But what else are we to do?

My wife has a few more years before her son graduates high school. And it is not the time to pretty much renounce this whole area and her whole entire family. She would lose everything. Not to mention what that bastard devil of an ex husband might do. Too dangerous.

So to those that say this is a choice. I continue to maintain BULL SHIT. FUCKING BULL SHIT. Our life is hard every day. Sharing a love unmatched even by straight couples standards. Being careful every second of every day. Wearing my wedding ring around my neck and not around my finger. Wanting to kiss my wife softly on the lips without the fear of someone coming upon us.

Every day is hard. Some days aren't as hard. But every day is at least hard. Maybe one day we will be free, either by money or circumstance that will allow us to not care what this world thinks.

Until then. Here we are firmly locked in a closet.

Normal

Normal We are a normal married couple. At 6am I lean over and kiss my wife good morning, and then go let the dog out. I hang out with the dog while my wife sleeps and then quietly slip into bed for twenty more minutes with her laying in my arms. Then we get up for good. She takes one child to school and I do a little office work. When she comes home either she exercises and I do some more work or clean the house or we go somewhere nearby and exercise together with the dog. Then the rest of our day includes work, raising her special needs other son, picking up the other child from school, making dinner and taking care of things. And falling asleep at night with the love of my life in my arms. We are like any other loving married couple. We just happen to be two girls. What is wrong with this world. Haters would rather her still be married to an abusive psycho who never did anything a day in his life and tortured the kids and her with violence. But since he is a man, it would have been better she stay married to him. Instead of finding true love and happiness, and creating a loving environment to finish raising the kids in and a life full of love. Tell me how that makes sense. Anyone?

A choice...not

Choice For the haters- you say I can choose whether to be with my wife or choose to be unhappy with a man.  Yeah sure, I CHOOSE to be bullied. I CHOOSE to live a hidden life. I CHOOSE for people to hate me because I chose to fall for a woman and not a man. I CHOOSE to have no rights to my wife or our children. I CHOOSE to make my life that much harder.  People, I don't think so! Unless you are a severe masochist I don't know anyone who would choose something so difficult. If it was as simple a a choice then trust me, the straight people would be happier. No one, at least not the millions of gay people in this world, would choose to be hated so much and go without rights  I fell I love with a woman. How is that a choice? When did love become about choice instead of souls coming together, hearts being complete. I wouldn't choose this. It just is.  We touched and it was all over. Sorry if my wife turns me on more than any man ever did. I find her beautiful and our life together full of love.  We tried to fight our attraction. The fact that every touch made us want more until more was being joined in every way. Kissing my wife is heaven to me. Holding her hand is the most comforting touch in the world. And holding her in my arms at night rings the greatest peace and contentment.  My soul feels complete. So it's not a choice. we would never choose this ridiculously hard life we now lead for nothing. But our hearts showed us the way and we could not deny it no matter how hard we tried.  So take your bull shit choice talks somewhere else. We know in our heart of hearts that this was destiny. We are perfect for each other in every way. Period.  This wasn't choice. It was meant to be. 

Living out loud...from the closet

I'm laying in bed with my wife, with more contentment than I ever thought possible. The love we share unmatched by anything else I have even come close to experiencing.

The problem? Our bed lay in the middle of an uber religious area, she comes from a family firmly rooted in this religion and our love, our life and our marriage is completely hidden and secret.

Why? Because we happen to be two women who fell in love. Incredible, soul full filling, as deep in my heart as you can get love.

So we are living out loud...but from a closet still.

We have this love between us and nary a soul in this town knows. She had been married for 15 years, had two kids. Not a soul in her life would ever suspect she would find the love of her life in the arms of another woman. Let alone me. Nor did I ever suspect my truest soul mate was in the arms of another woman.

Finding your soul mate, the love of your life should be one of the happiest moments of your life, to be shared with all. But my soul mate happens to be the same gender. So although we are happy in private, and people can tell we are happy period, no one knows it is each other that makes us happy.

I just don't see the problem in this world. So what if you're gay?! What does it hurt straight people. Great, your love is a guy which means you'll have a society acceptable life, can have a family a little more easily and will be saved from years of fighting for your rights and hatred from others. But what would it hurt if I happen to want to be with a woman? Why does that suddenly make me a bad person?

I can't help who I am madly in love with. And trust me, I had plenty of guys, good guys I could have loved and married but none made me feel this way and none made me this happy and none loved me for me like she does.

But I'll save the conversation about being with a woman was not a choice but destiny for another post.

All I really have to say to the haters is this- more gay people come from straight couples than from a gay couple raising a child.

Just saying.