Lately I've been wishing this world wasn't what it is. That we could be free. We have to watch everything we do and there is so much anxiety...all because two girls fell in love in an uber religious area. I truly love my wife, which is why we live in secret, strangely out in the open. There are questions and whispers but because we do not openly say, no one questions us. I'm just the bestest friend ever that helps her out with everything.
But some days I want to shout from the rooftops that I love this woman. That she is not single. That she fell in love with me of all people and we have a happy life together. It makes me really sad sometimes. That I am not allowed to claim my own happiness. When I just want to have free conversation and not have to worry about what I'm saying or not saying and if I said was correct or will cause suspicion.
I want to be able to hold her hand. To look at her in public with love. To kiss her while we are parked in a car. To openly share pictures of us together doing things.
I just want to love with nothing between us. Instead of this giant wall between our world and the rest of the world. And we live in fear every day. That someone might find us out and that will be the end for my wife- she will lose everything here and I just don't think she is ready or prepared for that kind of fall out. She can't help she fell in love with me- and it must be a deep love because she even married me!!
I just don't see the problem with loving someone. We are fairly normal- take kids to school, walk the dogs, go to work during the day, grocery shop etc. etc. We are like every other family on this street. Except for the small fact that two women share a bed. Heavens no! What will this world come to? I mean seriously? The divorce rate being what it is in this country and they have the nerve to question who should get married. If anything, I think we could help that divorce rate! My own father is about to go on his fourth marriage. And he has more of a right to marry than me? We fight harder for our love than most people could ever dream. And that makes our marriage stronger for it.
I love my wife- I wouldn't have it any other way...but sometimes I wish it wasn't such a big deal that we're two women together. Everyone loves us around here but if they knew we were together, suddenly we would become the devil? What's the F'in difference? We take care of each other and love one another, take care of the house and the kids- we're normal people doing normal things. But I'm not allowed to say to the world- hey I love this woman more than anything.
And so right now, I'm sad. And bursting with irritation underneath because I so want to declare my love.
For now, I'll do it between four walls. In the quiet of our home. And that has to be enough. For now. For however long it takes. Because no matter what other people may think, within those four walls are two people very much in love and that's something no one can take from us.
